We don't appreciate real clothes nearly enough (I have lived in hospital gowns and/or sweatpants for seventeen days straight)
If after four IV pokes (and twists and turns) and three nurses the new IV still isn't in, they will just let you keep the same IV you've had in for four days (and you will have lots of painful bruises)
Pacing back and forth the length of one's IV line makes one feel very much like a chained dog
You have not experienced being rudely awakened until you are woken up at 5:30 every morning to have more blood drawn
After having a couple dozen x-rays and a CT scan within six days, you will begin to feel like a walking electrical box radiating rays of power
On that same note, it's a bad thing when the x-ray people know you by name and you can pick up conversations where you left off
(Final random hospital note: I found this dog wearing this hospital gown after I listed the random facts about hospital gowns and feeling like a dog. I was a bit excited when I came across it.)
Health Update Randomness:
The barium is out of my intestinal tract (woot!) but somehow ended up in my appendix (waiting to hear from a radiologist about that)
I had tons more blood drawn on Thursday to test for things like lupus, lyme disease, rheumatoid arthritis, thyroid issues, etc. So far the only thing I've heard back on is lyme disease and it's negative, praise God.
The doctor lowered my daily Prednisone dosage, which is helping me be able to sleep at least a little more at night (yay!)
I have not taken a pain pill for three or four days!
There is an appointment scheduled with a specialist in Madison on March 5
After missing two weeks of work, it looks like I'll be able to go back tomorrow (or later this morning...sleep is still an issue so here I sit). Very thankful and a little nervous to see how my body handles trying to go back to "normal life".
Friend Randomness:
I have the best friends in the world: end of story. Here are a few examples...
Erica is great at being my twin cousin across the pond, constantly reminding me to trust God and nurture my relationship with Him, and giving me a kick in the backside (and for laughing at with me)
Lydia is great for bringing movies, yummy food, laughs, great discussion, hugs, and creativity
Emmy is great for always being there on the phone, prayer in the middle of the night, understanding exactly what I mean, and continuing to love me through all the ups and downs of over ten years of friendship
Melinda is great for always being my triple sister, having a listening ear, helping me with friend & relationship issues, and reminding me to keep my head on straight
Meagen is great for fun texts, laughs on the phone, and the constant assurance of Texan love and prayer from both her and her amazing mom
All the texts, comments, messages, phone calls, notes, and emails from Megan, Emily, Jeanine, Nathan, Amy, Jasmin, Dusty, Morgan, Spencer, Sarah, Tammy, Jordan, Abbie, Chad, Stephanie, Caleb, Karen, John, Tara, Tyra, Katee, Leah, Erin, Ash, Micah, Ashley, innumerable church friends from both FRC and Grace & Truth, relatives, and too many other Facebook friends to list
The prayers from SO many friends of friends...so many I haven't met and can't wait until we're all celebrating together in heaven!
The family has had to cook VERY few dinners for three weeks now...the meals being brought have blessed us more than we could ever express. The Church is an incredible thing!
My desk is so covered in cards I can't see the top of it anymore.
Dad, Mom, Hannah, Caleb, Ruth, Josiah, & Susanna....best support team a woman could ever ask for!! And the best nurses in the world!
Jesus Randomness
All the walking to get the Barium moving turned into long prayer walks with Him. This is something I plan to continue even though Barium walks are no longer necessary...they have become such precious times of praying for those I love.
The book of Romans is beyond incredible...it's about FAITH, not works of the Law. This is something He 's been trying to teach me for years and the past couple weeks is pounding it into me through and through. It's been the most freeing thing in the world! (I could write several (long) blog posts on this subject!)
His plans are incredibly different from mine: incredibly. I don't always like them...they often hurt a lot...but I know they're perfect and so much better than mine. He sees the big beautiful canvas...I see the earth-side mess in my humanness.
He's good at stripping everything away and leaving me with only HIM. He knows that's exactly where I need to be. It's been an incredible growing process...
His love is overwhelming.
His Word is alive!
His mercies are new every morning.
His faithfulness is great.
He has the best shoulder for crying on.
There is no place I'd rather be than in His arms and care and plan.
Note: Right after I finished writing the following words, I received a text/call that my cousin barely escaped his house as it burned to the ground a little after 11:00pm (midnight his time). Yet another reason to keep my face down in prayer. If you think of it, please pray for him, his fiancee, and all involved. Thank you.
Face down. My head is so down tonight. The hopes I had for a "quick" recovery from the trauma of last week were apparently too high. My goal of making it back to work by Wednesday isn't going to happen. God continues His work of keeping me at His feet in brokenness. I am discovering that is the best place to be. It is not the easiest place to be. It is not the most "fun" place to be at the moment. It hurts a lot and is full of unknowns.
My biggest prayer through all of this is for God to be glorified. I want my life, including this incredibly painful physical trial, to reflect Him, His love, His joy, His power, His humility, His strength amidst my weakness. I am empty tonight. My heart is heavy. I should be trying to sleep but my heart and mind are too active even while my body aches in weariness.
In response to a friend's sweet note on my Facebook recently, I wrote the following words: "This week has been hell physically but I have seen so much more of God. He has poured out the water of His love to drown the fires of pain and suffering." Tonight in my emptiness, in my frustration, in my pain, in my sorrow, I am reminded of all He has done for me. The only right and healing response is to lower my face at the foot of the cross; to raise my hands and praise Him for what He has done; to pour out my heart to Him and trust Him for what He is going to do.
I truly have nothing else to cling to, as this song so beautifully states. I am in need of the love and help that only He can give. I have no where else to turn, nothing else to cling to. I am too weak and sick to even finish putting sheets on my bed. My baby sister was the hands and feet of Jesus Himself as she finished it for me while I laid on her bed in exhaustion, defeat, and discouragement. Such a gift she is.
In other news, I made it twenty-four hours between pain pills. This is huge. I am so grateful and pray that the pattern continues to the point of being able to go off them completely in the next few days. We'll see what God does and what the doctor says at my appointment on Thursday morning.
I have been recording so many gifts into my gratitude journal over the past few days. It is overwhelming how God's blessings shine through during even the darkest times. His faithfulness is great.
I read the following verses this morning and they blessed me so much. Even when life hurts and doesn't "feel" like love, God continues to POUR it out.
"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." (Romans 5:1-5)
Weakness is something that I have been thinking about so much the last several months. It has taken on a whole new depth of meaning in my life during the past week. There is something incredibly humbling about admitting I am one percent weak without Christ.
Being the oldest daughter in a large family, my "role" has been that of the rock for my siblings since I was very young. Being strong wasn't an option in my mind; it was necessity. Who am I kidding: in my mind it still IS a necessity. Being weak in front of my younger siblings rips me apart. I was born with a stubborn, independent personality; this is not especially helpful when learning weakness and humility before God. Praise Him for patience and mercy and that He loves me enough to use fiery trials to teach me what I need to learn.
My amazing cousin posted this blog post yesterday. I don't feel like anything I write can hold a candle to what she worded so perfectly. You know someone is a best friend when they describe yourself better than you can. Please go read it.
So much love <3
Wednesday late afternoon I posted a Facebook status desperately requesting prayer. My pain levels had taken an agonizing turn for the worse and I was beside myself writhing in pain and nausea. The pain...I don't even know how to put it into words. I have never wanted to escape my own body so badly. I have never been so close to wanting to give up and die. My doctor tried to comfort me by telling me it was worse than having a baby...that if I could do this I could for sure have a baby naturally...that I was, in fact, having a "barium baby." The difference is that when you have a baby you get breaks between contractions; not so when having a barium baby apparently! (Another small difference is you don't actually get the reward of a baby but that's beside the point!) This went on for seven hours. I posted the special request for prayer about five hours into the anguish; within a couple hours things had settled down so much it was unbelievable. Yes, there were pain meds given; yes, I forced myself to get up and walk and walk to try to make the necessary progress. But I don't for a second believe that's what did the majority of the work in those two hours.
Before I go on, I should clarify a few things: for whoever reads this and for myself when I look back on this time and want to remember what happened and what God did. The Barium that I had to drink for the test I had on Friday is clinging to my intestines, causing major swelling and even more inflammation than my "normal" Crohn's swelling, inflammation, & constriction. My doctor said it is very rare for one's body to react so violently to it. Basically, it is "stuck" in my system and can turn to cement if it doesn't get out. The only to get it out, is walking, walking, walking and drinking, drinking, drinking and no eating. After a week with no meals except for a few on Tuesday/Wednesday (which caused major issues), I don't think I'll ever take being able to eat for granted again! They also tried a couple other things to get it out of my system (which is part of what caused the excruciating pain on Wednesday) but the bottom line is this: nothing can dissolve it. We just need to wait and pray and I need to drink and walk.
Walking is incredibly challenging not only because the gut pain skyrockets, but because my knee and ankle on my left leg have issues from previous injuries. The laying around and being shot up with all kinds of drugs and steroids has caused the inflammation, swelling, pain, pressure, etc. to become the worst it's been in months (years?). The pain in those joints has been a huge part of what's kept me up the past couple nights because the pain meds for my gut do not touch my leg. I am very thankful for ice and pillows, even if the relief they bring is very little. I called my doctor with a few questions this morning and this issue was one of them. He called in a topical cream to my pharmacy so I'm praying that'll help.
Back to Wednesday....after the pain subsided a little after 7:00, things became a little more calm. The pain levels went from a fifteen down to a five. The relief was overwhelming. The joy of seeing God answer prayer was priceless. I was finally able to fall asleep for a half hour around midnight. The rest of the night I slept in bits and pieces, getting up every hour or so. Thursday morning my doctor came in and said he would let me go HOME. I wasn't really completely ready, but he wanted me in an environment where I can sleep better and not be exposed to all the viruses in the hospital as my immune system is so weak. I was so happy to hear I could leave.
After arriving home around 4:00pm yesterday I was seriously questioning the wisdom of leaving the hospital. The stress of getting up, the drive home, etc. was almost more than I could physically handle. I tried to go to bed around 7:00 but my body wouldn't let me sleep. I finally got up for a few hours and then went back to bed a little before midnight. After a lot more tossing and turning, I finally fell asleep at some point and got at least five hours straight. PRAISE GOD!! It felt like five days compared to the rest of the week...
Today has been a challenge for sure but I am so very thankful to be home. My youngest brother & sister are such good caregivers!!! I am so humbled by their love. The other three siblings are all gone and Mom is still really struggling with her wrist injury/surgery so Josiah and Susanna are really stepping up the plate. It is an awesome thing to see them grow and mature. Okay, it's a little sad too...when did our babies become ten and almost thirteen years old?!
If I take the pain meds every five hours I can survive. I have NEVER been dependent on pain meds before and I hate it. Little miss "I have a pain tolerance the height of the sky" is learning to admit I can't do everything on my own. Oh God, I'm a slow learner...thank You for being so patient with me. For making me weak so that I can see You be strong! Thank You that You are always FOR me!
Even after the Barium is out of my system, there are still huge concerns. The fact that my body responded so violently is proof of just how bad things are in there. I am going to see a specialist in Madison later this month. My family doctor is AMAZING and has been through this whole week especially; but this is out of his league. A few weeks ago he was thinking that he could be the one to help me combine nutrition and medicine to get the Crohn's under control; after this week we know that is no longer the case. Hearing him say that if we don't get this under control I could be on IV nutrition the rest of my life? That kind of scares me. So much to trust God for right now... I'm so thankful He's given us doctors when we need them.
Thank you, thank you,thank you, THANK YOU to each and everyone who has prayed once or a hundred times. Each one means more to me than I could ever express. God is using you mightily to show me His strength and love.
It's 2:00 in the morning and I can't sleep due to the pain. I've been laying here crying my eyes out pleading with God to pick me up and get me through the night. I have never been so broken in my life.
There haven't been any fireworks from heaven. No verbal words of comfort. Not a hint of explanation. But the following song came to my mind and I've been playing it over and over...a small hint of peace is finally settling over this room.
The pain is still tremendous. The loneliness of a dark hospital room is somewhat suffocating. As a "tough" woman, I am not used to these kinds of feelings of helplessness. Being blessed with an incredibly high pain tolerance has been a huge part of my survival for the past six years. Reaching that pain level limit has been one of the hardest things for me. God is stripping everything away to show me just how much I need Him. The devil knows to attack when I'm at my weakest.
During this hospital stay God is teaching me is just how much prayer those who are hospitalized frequently and with worse conditions are in need of. Hospitals are not fun, folks. Being constantly poked, pricked, and shot up begins to hurt like hell. The constantly changing stream of nurses can be overwhelming. The need to stay strong in front of visitors can result in anxiety attacks the minute they leave.
Here, in this brokenness and pain, God promises I will be held. He has a shadow I can hide in. Learning just how to do that is a process. Psalm 36:7 says, "How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust in the shadow of Your wings." Honestly, I don't feel His lovingkindness right now. Does that make it any less real? No. Does it stretch my faith? Yes.
Psalm 18:36 holds the promise of being held. "You have also given me the shield of Your salvation; Your right hand has held me up, Your gentleness has made me great." His hand will hold me up no matter what happens with my health situation; no matter what happens in the difficult relationships I'm facing; no matter if I leave this hospital tomorrow or a long time after tomorrow; no matter if they can find a way to get this pain under control or not.
The journey of faith is a rough one. Oftentimes things don't make sense. On this painful night, I'm trying to trust God with the fact that one day it will all make sense; there is a purpose in all of this.
To those facing incredibly challenging health situations in your own life or the life of a loved one, my heart goes out to you. I'm praying for you during this sleepless night.
Saturday early afternoon, I blogged from my bed at home. Little did I know that within a few hours I'd be in a hospital bed...and would still be there on Monday. And on Monday would still not know when I'll be able to back home. Life sure has a way of throwing me for a loop....
Crohn's is a complicated, chronic disease. It's been an incredibly painful past several years but this is the first that it's been so uncontrollable. I'm grateful that until the past few days I never had to know what it was like to live on Morphine to survive the pain. It's crazy. As much as the side effects hurt after they shot it into the IV, the relief it gave a half hour after each administration was worth it.
On Friday I had a test done that has greatly contributed to these complications and pain. It's rather frustrating that I was not warned ahead of time about these possibilities... Such is life and now we're dealing with the after effects.
So far I don't need surgery but there is concern that a complete blockage could form. There is a lot of swelling, inflammation, and constriction in especially one spot (the killer pain spot). The Barium that I had to drink for the test Friday is stuck in my system and can turn to a cement like substance if we don't get it through there. That is the biggest prayer need right now....
So here I sit in room 219 surrounded by evidence of all the love and care of family and friends. This afternoon is the first time I've been alone more than a half hour since I was hospitalized. Am I one blessed woman or what?! There are flowers and cards and a super cute pink frog covering the window sill. My hair is finally clean thanks to my friend Lydia helping me wash it when she stopped by this morning. My phone is dinging frequently. My IV keeps drip, drip, dripping. And I continue to sit and wait...wait for the pain to subside, for all the other crazy symptoms to calm down, for the Barium to MOVE. The sitting and waiting is hard...especially when in so much pain. (They had to stop the Morphine this morning.)
Things could be SO much worse. God is still on the throne. He's got a perfect plan beyond anything I can see or imagine. His love knows no bounds...
On this gorgeous Saturday I am laying in bed unable to get up due to the pain. I'm laying here with the fuzziest blanket on earth, books, my Macbook Pro (obviously), my phone, my meds, a bunch of pillows, my favorite sweatpants, sunshine and blue sky showing through the window, and feeling blessed. The pain is the most excruciating it's been in awhile; there's something very humbling about not being able to move and do things for myself. I'm so incredibly blessed with a family who is here for me at my weakest. I can't wait to see how God uses this trying time...He must have something tucked up His sleeve. Whether I know what that is in this lifetime or not, I know He has the best plan.
While I lay here I've been thinking about the happy times during the past couple difficult months. I started going through pictures off my camera from December and January and had a BLAST recalling the memories of fun and craziness. So since it's been awhile since I posted a bunch of random happiness, here goes a LOT of pictures!
...snapshots of two of my favoritest kiddos
...Willow Tree and books = love
(I love my room, btw!)
...errands with the little bro
(soon to not be littler than me...maybe a couple weeks?!)
...cute birthday card made by my hugely talented sister
...Peanuts wrapping paper = best ever
...phone call with sis-in-love
...laughter with one of my bestest friends in the world
...me being crazy me
...found THE tree once again
...too much cuteness
...getting Christmas gifts ready to mail to my MI family
...siblings curled up on the couch with books by the fireplace
...snowman cookies
...younger siblings excited for Christmas
...the wonderful mess from making cutout cookies
...so many yummy shapes
...I don't know how the little bro captured this shot but I think it's cool
..."It's a Wonderful Life" by the Christmas tree
...caramel apple rolls
...cinnamon rolls
...annual Christmas stairway pic
...my beautiful golden retriever watching us with our stockings & gifts
...there's a Brewers ornament in there; pretty sure she LOVED it
...watching the Pack kick some more booty on Christmas night
...holding my bestie's precious new little son after attending her labor & delivery
...cards from amazing friends on my desk
...sibling fun
...he HATES being kissed
...got him!
...late night sibling craziness
...MORE late night sibling craziness
...little road trip on a Saturday
...looking cool and looking forward to Olive Garden & a movie in Milwaukee
Darn, life is a wonderful thing. It's the little things...always the little things that bring so much happiness and joy to daily life. Happy gorgeous Wisconsin Saturday!
Going to bed and waking up in pain is very draining. Waking up in worse pain than I went to bed with is very discouraging. It makes me want to curl back up in bed and not move for weeks. But life goes on and I have to get up...
This morning I have another test to try and see some of what they couldn't get to with the previous tests because they didn't go well. I'm trying not to stress about it. But it's enough to just make me cry right now.
Last night I started taking Prednisone. Anyone who knows me well, knows how HARD this is for me. I have tried SO many things (diets, supplements, etc.) to avoid the steroids. I feel defeated. But I have the complete support of my close family and friends. It means the world to me and has been such confirmation that this is the right step to take right now. No matter how much I hate it and this isn't my plan, I know it's God's plan for this moment. But darn, I hate it.
When I woke up this morning the above song by Sanctus Real just started going through my head; mostly the line "I'm not alright, I'm broken inside." I am completely broken right now: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. How amazing to have a Savior who meets me in my brokenness; Who loves me at my weakest; Who gives His strength when mine ran out months ago. It's during these times of complete brokenness and weariness that God does amazing works. I'm a stubborn woman so it takes awhile sometimes for me to let Him do His work in me. But then He'll show His love in such an awesome way and a little more of my stubbornness is chipped away. Seriously, I can't believe the little (and big) ways He has shown up during the past few years.
I have to shower and run out the door for the test; can't eat or drink anything until it's over so hopefully it's done by early afternoon. I read these verses this morning so I'll close with those.
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:6-7
God is with us ALL the time. I know that in my head. And I know that in my heart. But I don't always feel it; especially when life gets dark.
On the flip side, I have seen God so many times during the dark periods of life. He has a way of showing up when life looks hopeless; of showing love when life is full of pain - whether it be physical, emotional, relational, or spiritual.
Sometimes His love is so practical: friends bringing meals, a note in the mail, an act of kindness from a sibling, a text message or Facebook note at just the right moment.
And sometimes His love shows up through "bigger" answers or gifts. The most recent example for me is my mom seriously having a miraculous overnight turn around in her recovery from her wrist surgery. Friday things were still awful and NONE of us could imagine her being able to attend my sister's violin recital or my brothers' basketball games. Saturday? She was up and able to attend all the events. Sure, she had her sling, pillow, ice packs, etc. But she was THERE. Thank You, God.
His wisdom is showing up the past few days as well. He has surrounded me with the best group of friends and family in the world. The support they give is incredible. In the friends department, I feel like the most blessed girl alive. I've been talking with those closest to me about the decisions to be made and they're all pretty much giving me the same advice. Their prayers are doing wonders too. God's plans for this Crohn's journey are so different than mine; SO different. And that's a good thing. The faith growing is something that can't be traded for anything. Faith doesn't grow much without suffering. I'm truly grateful for the pain and how He is using it in my life. (Don't remind me I said this when I'm in the middle of a pain attack though or else YOU will be feeling some pain. I give a good slap, folks.)
I'm also thinking about all the ways my faith still needs to grow. In a message to a friend recently, I wrote that if it was "only" the physical pain, God would get a lot less of an earful from me some days. There are other things going on that very few know about and even fewer understand. Things that hurt so deep and are so tangled that putting it into words is often not possible. It's these issues that test my faith even more than my physical pain and suffering. These are the things that make me question God's goodness and plan. I know He has a good one; it just does not humanly make sense. Trusting God with the hurt and tears is a continual process. Trusting His plan is a daily choice.
"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are My ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'"
"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands." (Isaiah 55:8-9, 12)
Note: This is written mostly for me. So that I will remember what was going on in January of 2012. So that I can look back and see what God did. So that I can type out what's going on and sort out some things in my mind while I write. Read at your own risk...it'll be long. :)
There are times in life when it's much harder to see what God's doing than others. The past few months and especially this last week have been "those times". It amazes me when God shows His love very clearly for brief times during the hard times; it's an incredible gift. It also helps me keep faith when He seems silent; when I can't feel His love; when life hurts so much I want to curl up in a ball and stay that way forever.
My follow up appointment for the Crohn's disease tests was this morning. I was not prepared to be so discouraged by the report. Initially, when I had my tests two and a half weeks ago, the GI doctor led us to believe that things may be "better". That really isn't the case. They were not even able to successfully complete one of the tests (which they didn't tell us previously). I now need to go in to try and have it tested a different way (and if THAT doesn't work, there's another test they'll try).
They want to put me on a rather high dosage of Prednisone for at least a month. I'm very, very leery of that. Friends have shared the side effects they've had when taking it and I'm very hesitant to risk experiencing that myself. There are a couple other options as well but they wouldn't be as effective. The ulcers in parts of the intestinal tract are pretty bad.
Being a very "naturally minded" woman, I prefer to do things nutritionally; not with medications and steroids. The thought of going on Prednisone is something I wouldn't have even considered a few months ago. However, if Crohn's disease isn't kept under control, it can lead to the need for things as serious as chemo and surgical removal of the infected areas. After four months of being very sick, there is a sense of urgency to get this into remission for awhile.
On Saturday, Mom fell and broke her wrist very badly. She has been in terrible amounts of pain ever since. Surgery was Tuesday and one plate and eleven screws were put in. Seeing her like this is almost more than I can handle on top of dealing with my own pain. Whenever someone calls, sends a note or email, comments on facebook, or brings a meal, it's a good reminder that God is here. He is loving us through the amazing people that He's surrounded us with. He may not be giving us answers, but He is giving us continual love.
Another sibling is dealing with some major issues. And another sibling is dealing with some major issues. And another sibling is dealing with some painful issues. And yet another sibling had a very scary "episode" on Monday. It feels like our family is falling apart physically. When it rains, it pours.
I am so thankful for the times that we can have fun, laugh, and enjoy life through all of this. Saturday most of us siblings hung out together in Milwaukee...we had dinner at Olive Garden, stood out in the parking lot for awhile talking and laughing our heads off, and then went to a movie at Mayfair Mall. It was SUCH a wonderful break from life. Laughing with my siblings is one of the most wonderful things in the world.
Paul Washer tweeted the following words earlier this week: "The heights of our usefulness are directly related to the depths of our suffering. To be weak, we must be made weak. There is no other way." It goes along so well with the verse that has been "my" verse for the past several months. "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Cor. 12:9) It also makes me think of my life verse, Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
God continues with His perfect plans, no matter how imperfect they seem and how imperfect I am. I would be lost without Him. His mercies are new every morning, and His faithfulness is great.
This blog has been quiet for almost a month. My life? It's been anything but quiet. There is so much going on in my mind and heart and life that I've just been too overwhelmed to try to word it in a way that I dare post in a public place. I've thought about writing more times than I can recall... Obviously, it hasn't happened.
So I'm writing this little blurb to remind myself I have a blog. I really should write on it. And it really may help me to figure out how to put things into (appropriate) words. I'm just not quite there yet...
The battle for truth is perhaps the hardest to fight; at least when "speaking" to myself in my thoughts. There is major war going on here...and I'm out of strength to fight. Once again, 2 Corinthians 12:9 is my current favorite verse. And I'm clinging to God's promise in it because I'm whooped.
"And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Cor. 12:9)
