I was sitting in the chair at the endodontists' office today. The office is on the third floor of a this big bank building and has big windows. From my chair I could look over busy streets and parking lots.
(The reason for being there is a whole (years) long ordeal and very, very frustrating but that's another story.)
As I watched the traffic flow down the streets, through the round-abouts, and across the parking lots, I just felt so small.
This Monday was just horrible (and I'm not really that pessimistic about Mondays). A brother admitted into the hospital, I'm dealing with a lot of pain and infection and Crohn's crap, very disappointing news about my tooth problem, discouraging work day at one of my jobs.
I've been an emotional mess since yesterday so that didn't help anything.
And as I watched life go on, so many people coming and going, and each one with their own story, their own struggles, their own pain, their own losses, I just felt so small and insignificant.
I can't even say why exactly it hit me like that. But it was weird and depressing.
Bible study last night was about how precious we are to God. We are His children. We are special. We matter to Him. We are not insignificant.
Life can be depressing. It can seem hopeless. It can seem pointless.
It can be so. darn. draining.
But with Jesus there is purpose. There is life. There is peace. There is joy. There is contentment. There is strengthin our weakness.
And that is Who I put my hope in. Especially on the harder days.
This was the easiest morning so far. I'm so thankful! After the torture of getting out of bed yesterday morning, I was getting a little scared about this early to rise thing. It may have helped that I went to bed two and half hours earlier last night than Saturday night. *wink*
God is helping me do something that I often felt like I could never do. Rising early has never been something I was good at and my health challenges have only made getting out of bed harder.
But when I invite God in to do help me, it's incredible what He can enable me to do. Four days in a row of getting up between 5:20 and 6:30? This may make some of you life-long-early-risers laugh a little, but that's an amazing testimony to God's work in and through me.
I have had so many blog posts swirling through my head for the past couple months. So much has changed in my life and I haven't taken time to write any of it on here. God's showing up and coming through in "impossible" and very difficult situations. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to scribble a few more posts. After all, my mornings are getting longer. *smile*
Here's to all of you fellow Early to Rise Challenge folks! We're more than halfway through the first week! Wahoo!
Sunrise over the ocean in the Outer Banks on our vacation last fall.
When I saw Crystal at Money Saving Mom post about the 30-Day Early to Rise Challenge, I thought I should maybe be a part of it. I officially decided before bed last night to do it.
If you know me, you know mornings and getting out of bed are not my favorite things in the world. So last night before I fell asleep (and when I would wake up during the night) I was specifically asking God to get me out of bed at 6:30.
Well, He had me up before 5:30. *smile*
I'm excited to see how this month long challenge changes my daily life. It's going to be a "prayed-through" month. This whole early rising thing does not come naturally to me.
When I looked in the mirror at 5:25, I think I woke up a whole lot more. Shocking, folks. Shocking.
I did do a lot of tossing and turning last night. I don't normally wake up looking quite that bad. Maybe it was part of God's plan to wake me up quickly. *wink*
Here's to the next twenty-nine mornings! May they be productive, peaceful, challenging, and life-changing.
And a little less scary looking when I see my reflection in the mirror.
Note: This should really say December 31, 2012 as that is when the majority of it was written.
Lately as I look through the many recent pictures on my iPhone, Facebook, and Instagram, I've been struck by how crazy I am (not that that's anything new!). Another thing that really stands out to me, is how happy I look. Because my life is not happy right now. I'm fighting anxiety, stress, sleeplessness, fear, etc. like I haven't fought in a long time. (And honestly, after the year I've had, that's saying something. Just being real here.)
When I look at these photos, I can't help but think about everything "behind" the pictures. The things very few people know about and even fewer see firsthand.
Being crazy is one way I deal with the trials of life. There are SO many moments where I either have to laugh or cry (and trust me: I do PLENTY of crying too!).
Looking at all these pictures makes me smile. I can't help it. These are the moments that keep me sane, that keep me going, that keep me from giving up.
And yet there are times that I wish I knew how to give a more honest view of my life. When I share my random craziness with people, I'm sometimes tempted to take it down because it somehow feels like a lie.
I know it's not a lie, it's just not the whole picture. These fun images are just moments captured in the midst of hours, days, and weeks of daily struggling to put one foot in front of the other.
They are the moments of laughter, the precious gifts from my Father, that brighten up this journey of life and lighten the heavy loads.
In a way, it would be just as much of a lie to not share them. They are just as much a part of who I am as the pain, trials, and hurt.
At the end of each day, I'm just thankful my life is in God's hands and He alone knows what is best for me. I can't imagine having to decide what mixture of happy craziness and painful growth was best. There are times I feel like telling Him that He's a little heavy on the painful. But I know each bit of pain has a purpose.
And I am SO thankful that the crazy fun of these pictures is as real as the pain behind the scenes of them. God knows we need laughter and humor and a "merry heart".
A merry heart does good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones.(Prov. 17:22)
Another very real picture: a tear-stained page in my Bible and a notepad
covered in verses I scribbled from memory on an extra hard day.
It's the end of another very rough day. One of those days that has me sobbing and ready to give up.
One of those days.
When I was driving home tonight (and crying), this song came on the radio. It was just the reminder I need. It's hard to hold on to God's promises when I can't see Him keeping all those promises in the details of my life.
I know He is. I know it. But keeping faith in those promises is something I have to fight hard for during the dark times. From my human perspective, it looks like He's not holding up His end of the deal. Yet I believe that He is always working on behalf of my good. Even when it sure as heck does not feel good.
"He holds back nothing that will heal you, even His own Son." Wow. Those words hit me square in the chest. I desperately need His healing emotionally, relationally, and physically. These words powerfully remind me that He offers everything I could ever need for healing. His love is unending; His mercies new every morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23)
As I wrestle, as I cry, as I fight to keep choosing life and joy, I'm so thankful that none of what I'm facing or will ever face, can separate me from my God and His love. Praise Him!
"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against' God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written:
'For Your sake we are killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.'
Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor li fe, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:31-39)
"Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the LORD."
Psalm 31:24
"Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him, on those who hope in His mercy."
Psalm 33:18
"Why are you cast down, oh my soul? and why are you disquieted within me? hope in God; for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God." Psalm 42:11
"For You are my hope, O Lord GOD; You are my trust from my youth." Psalm 71:5
"But I will hope continually, and will praise You yet more and more." Psalm 71:14
"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I do hope." Psalm 130:5
"Happy is he who has the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the LORD his God."
Psalm 146:5
HOPE. Such a short word. Only four letters. But that one little word makes a world of difference in daily life.
Hope is what we crave.
Love this song by for KING & COUNTRY
It's presence means joy, peace, dreams, and optimism.
It's absence means depression, anger, defeat, and gloom.
With everything in me, I've been fighting for hope lately. "The most wonderful time of the year" has been challenging and I'm fighting for the wonderfulness. There have been many happy moments.
Food, family, fun, fellowship, snow...
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, and whose hope is the LORD." Jeremiah 17:7
"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I hope in Him!' The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke in his youth." Lamentations 3:22-27
"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:1-5
"For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. Likewise the Spirit also helps us in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Romans 8:24-26
"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality." Romans 12:9-13
"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
"[Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:7
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." Hebrews 11:1
And yet through all the happy moments and rounds of laughter and plates of deliciousness, has been an overwhelming sense of anxiety, fear, depression, and hopelessness.
Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." And I have to say, that my heart has actually physically been hurting through all this "deferred" hope, crushed dreams, and uncertainties about the future.
My entire life is up in the air. Decisions are being faced that I thought were months out (at least). Relationships are not where I'd hoped they'd be.
As I fight this hourly battle, I'm reminded through these verses that the Lord alone must be my hope.
My lovely sister-in-law texted me the YouTube link to this song today. The first time I watched it and listened to the lyrics, I couldn't stop the tears from springing to my eyes or swallow the sudden lump in my throat. Like so many people, it feels like this song was written just for me.
God has led me through more brokenness and heartbreak throughout the past several years, and especially this year, than is easy to recall. Humanly, I've often wished or prayed that He'd take the pain and suffering away. The mountains of difficult relationships, broken hearts, physical pain, emotional trauma, sleepless nights, floods of tears, and financial/job related pressures...at times I've just wished them all to be gone.
"Life decided to change my plans and I found a mountain in the middle of my road." That is how I could describe my whole life. At the same time, watching my God bring beauty from the pain, flood me with His grace in even greater amounts than my innumerable tears, and shower me with love when I didn't think I could take another minute of the suffering, has made it all worth it.
My life is nothing like I ever pictured it would be. Nothing like it. But as God has stripped things away one after another, after another, after another, I've been forced to cling more tightly to Him and Him alone. This is what makes it all a beautiful heartbreak.
Heartbreak is beautiful when Jesus is glorified through it.
Heartbreak is beautiful when I am sanctified through it.
Heartbreak is beautiful when it draws friends and family closer.
Heartbreak is beautiful when it unites the Body of Christ.
Heartbreak is beautiful when it becomes a testimony to a lost world.
Heartbreak is beautiful when God's hand holds it.
Heartbreak is beautiful when it draws us into closer relationship with Jesus.
Heartbreak is beautiful when it strips prejudices and differences in struggling relationships.
Heartbreak is beautiful when it touches us, having passed through our Father's hand.
Heartbreak is beautiful when there is an eternal good purpose for it.
Heartbreak is beautiful when we let Jesus make it beautiful.
I'm not going to lie. Heartbreak is hard. Incredibly hard. Letting it be "beautiful" is a daily, hourly choice. It's hard to choose trust, faith, joy, love, and contentment over bitterness, anger, and discouragement. It's hard to trust God to make each heartbreak beautiful when, from our point of view, it looks ugly as hell and hurts so much we can barely breathe.
But those hours, days, weeks, and months when we let God take each mountain, storm, and broken piece and hold it all in His hands, life becomes beautiful, no matter how painful. It's only something He can do. And the beauty, grace, and faith that He grows in us through the storms is the most beautiful and precious thing He could ever do in and for us.
"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold." (Job 23:10)
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith in this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." (Romans 5:1-5)
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18)
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified." (Romans 8:28-30)
"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? Itis Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For Your sake we are killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created things, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:31-39)
"And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
Love this photo that I snapped on my iPhone a couple months ago. It reminds me of God!
It's 2:23am on my 23rd birthday and I can't sleep.
Physically I'm completely exhausted, worn out, and sick.
Emotionally I'm drained and spiritually I'm tired.
I've been reading back through many of my blog posts from earlier this year. It's still crazy to me all that God has led me through, carried me through, loved me through.
Earlier tonight I was telling a friend how tired I am. And I don't just mean physically; I mean tired from life. It can be hard to keep pressing on when life is hard.
As I reflect on this past year of life and think ahead to the new one, my heart's desire is to draw strength from my great God each and every day. On the exhausting days when I want to give up, on the days I'm my spunky, spontaneous, crazy self.
Jesus Christ is an endless, rich, abundant source of life, joy, peace, and love. No person and no circumstance is beyond His reach, beyond His care.
Not the friends facing the loss of their father and grandfather.
Not the friend whose husband left her.
Not the close friend struggling with heart-wrenching challenges.
Not the woman regretting giving up the life of her unborn child.
Not the child with leukemia.
Not me in my weakness.
I will lift up my eyes to the hills--from whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1)
God offers His help through anything and everything. We just need to accept it. That requires faith and sometimes a lot of it. It's not easy and it's certainly not natural.
After a year of learning more about faith than I ever have before, a year where my faith has experienced more ups and downs than I ever thought it would, I have to say that the path of faith and trust is always better. But it's a daily choice and a daily battle. There is major war going on. The biggest war is the one I have within me.
Looking ahead to my 24th year of life, I'm so thankful I have God on my side, fighting for me. I'm excited (okay, and a little scared) to see what He has in store on this crazy journey called life. He's surrounded me with incredible family and friends throughout each adventure. A year from now, I look forward to looking back and seeing all He has done!
It's been a very long time since I wrote on here. Way too long. But tonight, after an evening with my amazing family celebrating my birthday a couple days early, I just want to write to say how thankful I am.
Thankful for love.
Thankful for family.
Thankful for yummy food.
Thankful for incredible friends.
Thankful for doctors, nurses, & medicine.
Thankful for Jesus.
So thankful for so many things. Way more than I have time to list.
This year has been crazy. Crazy hard. But I can't begin to list everything for which I'm thankful. God is good.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my specialist down in Madison. It was a routine follow-up visit like I've had several times before. There wasn't that much unusual or different or bad about it. That is, until I asked the question, "What do things look like long-term?"
I didn't really know what I was in for when I asked that and part of me wishes I wouldn't have.
Up to that point during the appointment, I was feeling encouraged. After a horribly rough year, things are looking up, I'm feeling better, I'm able to be physically active again, and I'm not doubling over in pain multiple times a day. These are all huge things! Things I praise God for!
But apparently, medically speaking, and based on my extra bad case of Crohn's, the worst is probably not behind me. She gave me a picture of the future may easily hold and it is not pretty. Surgeries, perforations, long-term effects of the awful medications, increased chance of cancer, etc. It's all rather daunting.
Throughout the rest of the afternoon and evening, I was fine. Shopping at Maurice's, out for Mexican, and good conversation with my mom, ice cream, TV show, and laughter with a couple girlfriends.
But by the time I collapsed in bed at midnight, I was completely exhausted.
And once it was just me, my pillow, and God, the tears and the fears came in a rush.
Fear and faith had a huge collision right there on my tear-stained pillow.
I was passionately telling my God that I trust Him, that I know He has this, that He has a plan, that it is a good plan. (Jeremiah 29:11)
At the same time, the fear of what the future could hold, was very strong. And yet, as I told God last night, I only need to take a day at a time, holding my Savior's hand, and not worry about tomorrow. (Matthew 6:34)
I know He could heal me if He chose to. I know that! But I also know that may not be His will. Trust me, I know that too! Either way, He'll give me the strength and grace for each and every day.
This song talks about the waves of life. Some of them are bigger than others. Some come crashing over me and completely wipe me off my feet. During my recent vacation on the east coast, we went out into the huge, crashing waves of the ocean. It was fun, thrilling, and crazy. Sometimes they would literally take our feet right out from under us. But the majority of the time, we'd grab the hands of the little ones and make a line and withstand them together. If one of us fell, another would give a hand to pick us back up. That is so how this Christian walk works. God uses His people to help His people, to lift up and hold one another during the waves and storms of life. He's done that for me so many times this year. I am so thankful.
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
