Surrender, Steroids, and Specialists

Monday I had my first appointment with the gastroenterology specialist in Madison.  To be honest, the day before the appointment I was a little apprehensive.  And also to be honest, what I was told at the appointment confirmed my apprehensions.  I didn't get particularly good news, folks.  This all scares me. A lot.

I don't know how many times she told me how worried she is about me (in a kind way) and that it's not everyday someone with a case of Crohn's like mine walks through her office.  Knowing I'm sick, and knowing I'm SICK are two different things.  And being told I'm even sicker than I thought I am, was incredibly hard to take.  Keeping my composure during the appointment was a challenge.  Thank God she is someone I can relate well with and treats me as a person, not just another patient walking through her doors.  So very grateful for that.

Here's a summary of where things are at.  I need several more tests (blood work, x-ray, CT scan, etc.) with the possibility of needing a very invasive test that I like to call the "colonoscopy on steroids".  It's a three-hour procedure during which they put you completely under, go in with a scope, and "balloon" up the intestines to get a better look. (shudder)  If they can see things well enough with the CT scan, we can hopefully avoid this one.  Please pray about that if you think of it.  If my blood work and x-ray come back fine, she wants to start me on a couple of strong medications and hopefully get me off the Prednisone.  In the mean time, she had to quadruple my daily Prednisone dosage.  My response, was "goodbye sleep".  Praying that the natural stuff I bought to help with the insomnia works even with such a high dosage of steroids.  Finally, she said to expect at least a year of strong, intensive treatment.  There is also the possibility of surgery, depending on what the tests show.  

  

It'd be lying to say I haven't really been struggling to keep my chin up this week.  The possibilities of what may be in my future scare the crap out of me.  There are times I just want to throw my hands up to the sky and say, "Darnit, God, I'm DONE".  But really, I don't think that's a bad place to be.  While my attitude  sometimes needs adjusting, being at a place of throwing up my hands, saying I can't do it, and surrendering to my magnificent God is one of the best places to be.

I read this on Emily Freeman's blog this morning: "There is more power in sharing our weakness than in sharing our strength."  And I firmly believe there is great power and strength in being completely weak and broken before our Savior.  Watching Him bring beauty from ashes, life through pain, and blessings through raindrops is something that can only come through suffering.  There is no other way.

"When we murmur, "God? In me, I can do nothing" -- this is the moment when God can now do something in us." (Ann Voskamp)

Suffering and surrender.  They go hand in hand.  Surrendering through the suffering is the only way to grow, the only way to not grow bitter, the only way to continue life in joy and peace.  And for me it's not only health issues, though that is definitely a huge part of it.

Daily I find myself needing to surrender so many things...

Struggling relationships.

Hurts.

Health.

Pain.

Weight (thank you, steroids!).

Diet.

Dreams.

Plans.

Money.

Vacations.

The "try hard" life.

Really, the list could be endless.  

Our Savior is so patient and kind.  Surrender doesn't come easily for me yet He waits and loves me and holds me through each day.  I don't know how I'd walk this journey without Him!

"Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; Your Spirit is good.  Lead me in the land of uprightness." (Psalm 143:10)


"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."  (Psalm 139:23-24)


"Then [Jesus] said to them all, 'If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.'"  (Luke 9:23)