Hurt People

Tonight something hit me that I never thought of before.

I've heard the saying "hurt people hurt people" countless times in my life and I always thought of it in context of those who have been deeply, deeply hurt (abuse, etc.) over the course of many years and now live in a constant state of hurt and bitterness (thus hurting those around them).

This evening I suddenly thought of it differently, after a minor incident in which I was hurt by someone. It was enough to make me upset and I found myself snapping at two of my sisters when they tried to talk with me.

And then I was like, darn. it.

I was hurt by someone and now I'm hurting those I love!

Crap.

It hit me like a brick. Hurt people really do hurt people. Whether it's "little" instances/hurts or big ones. It doesn't matter.

I quickly changed my attitude and apologized. I absolutely do not want to develop a pattern of hurting people when I am hurting.

Thank God, Who is the Healer of all hurts.

Friday Nights and Writing

Apparently I have this thing for writing on Friday nights (okay, to be technical here, it's Saturday morning but whatever).

It's been a crazy rollercoaster of a week since last Friday night.

A horrible, horrible weekend of whacked hormones, depression like I've never had, a migraine that sent me to the emergency room, and more tears than should ever fill a weekend.

Amidst the horribleness, I got some of the happiest news I've gotten in my entire life. But that is for another blog post at another time. (wink)

Monday and Tuesday I only worked half days (mostly to maintain enough emotional sanity to keep myself from murdering someone).

Wednesday brought the beginning of some relief from the hormonal-ness (it was part of the nutritional, cellular cleansing I'm doing, which, aside from this, has gone amazingly well and makes me feel good!) I was able to work a full day again (yay paycheck).

Thursday I worked in the morning and then went to Madison for my bi-monthly Remicade infusion for Crohn's disease. Never a fun thing and I just can't think about what's dripping into my body through that three-hour IV session. But I chatted and laughed with the nurses and watched stuff on Hulu and my sister sat next to me the whole time.

After my infusion all I wanted to do was nap but we went to a park and walked a path by the lake and it was peaceful and gorgeous and so worth it.

Then we went to an Isagenix gathering that was so encouraging and full of information for a IsaNewbie like me (think I should patent that label I just created? Most of you probably won't get that but whatever).

I'm so thankful for the Isagenix company and products and people. A month into it and I'm so excited and grateful. Overall, I'm feeling better, am working out harder than I've ever been able to, and lost about ten pounds in the first four weeks! Yippee.

Today I worked a full day and then ran errands (ya know, produce & chicken for me, food for the dog, gas for the car...fun stuff!)

Then it was coming home and getting the chicken breasts into two homemade marinades for grilling tomorrow and putting produce away and making myself a healthy supper and then playing and laughing (and laughing) with the cute little kids we're caring for this weekend.

gummy bears, Talking Tom on the iPhone, tickling, laughing, 

squealing...and all cozied up in my great grandmother's old chair

Before I knew it the clock said 10:00pm and I needed to clean the (disastrous) kitchen and put my comfies on and tell myself that playing with the kids instead of working out was the healthiest decision I made all day.

Then it was time to go to bed but I caught a dear friend on iChat that I haven't talked with in MONTHS and before I knew it we had chatted until midnight. (Hi, Meagen!) Sometimes the best conversations happen long after one is supposed to be in bed for the night. So thankful for opportunities to catch up heart-to-heart on life.

And now it's almost 1:00am and my gut is screaming at me and I'm thinking I most definitely (and most unknowingly) ate the wrong thing tonight. Apparently brussel sprouts looking good does not equal them sitting well in my Crohn's gut. At least, that is the only thing I can come up with because I don't think I've felt like this since starting Isagenix a month ago. Just praying I can fall asleep because it's looking doubtful.

I read this post tonight by a blogger I have loved and followed for years and years. I love it. I love it a lot. It inspired me to keep on writing, even when I feel like I have absolutely-nothing-at-all-whatsoever that is profound enough or witty enough or funny enough or wise enough or true enough to share with the world wide web.

But writing (even if it's about nothing, like this post) is good for my soul. 

Writing is good for my heart and my mind and my daily existence.

Thanks to my dear Meagen for reminding me of that while we chatted tonight. And thanks to Ashleigh for reminding me of that through her beautifully simple, yet profound, blog post.

Writing is a beautiful thing; especially after a rough week.

Happy weekend.

Sometimes...

When I got on here to start writing, I found it so ironic that my last post was on being thankful. Because, ohmyfreakingword, thankful is not how I would describe my past couple of days.

Sometimes depression comes out of nowhere and knocks you flat.

Sometimes distress is your closest friend.

Sometimes tears are constantly knocking on your eyeballs, begging to be let free onto your cheeks.

Sometimes more strong language goes through your head than you would ever dare say out loud.

Sometimes life hurts.

Sometimes life hurts a lot and what you've been able to ignore (or cope with) for months comes to the surface and life gets ugly.

Ugly.

Sometimes life is just ugly.

Yes, there are moments of beauty, and yes, there are always a bajillion things to be thankful for, and yes, there are a thousand things that could be worse.

But darn it all, it's still ugly.

It still has more hurt and frustration and confusion and fear and pain and suffering and injustice than one can handle.

Learning how to live in this world of pain is a life-long journey. The seasons change and the years go by and some pain stays the same and new pain comes and once in a while a former pain dies.

Tonight I don't have the answers. 

Tonight I'm bone tired after a very long week and I just want to turn off my brain and sleep for days (but am leaving for kickboxing at 7:00 tomorrow morning...the things I do to myself).

Tonight my heart physically hurts from the emotional hurts.

Tonight I've consumed too much chocolate.

Tonight I'll keep fighting those freaking tears.

Tonight I will listen to "Need You Now" by Plumb.

Because tonight "I need You" is about all I can cry out to God. 

And tonight I'll trust Him to hear those words and have mercy on my weakness.

Amidst all the pain and change, He is the One thing that never changes.