Today. My day. Right now. Thursday, June 28, 2012. It's been a difficult one. A very heavy one. Depressed would be a good word. Pain would be another. Pure exhaustion probably the most accurate.
I'm sitting here in bed. Roll of saltine crackers to my left, along with the plate and bowl from my second grilled cheese & tomato soup of the day. To my right on the desk is my water bottle, bottle of sierra mist, hand sanitizer, Burt's Bees, thermometers, bottles and bottle of medications, and my (very needed) bottle of melatonin to help me sleep at night.
Also on the desk is a lovely vase of (fading) flowers that a dear friend sent me while I was in the hospital. Next to it is a letter from my Compassion child that just "happened" to come today. (They are very few and far between so this is no coincidence.) Right above it is a card from an incredible friend that contained a love gift of several hundred dollars. I'm wearing the dangly blue earrings she sent as well...even though it's just me sitting here sick in bed. A pretty pair of earrings brightens any day! The adorable sparkly silver flip flops she sent are sitting on the floor next to me and I can't wait to wear them when I'm out next. My skin is soft and smells lovely after a two hour soak in bath salts and a thorough rub with a delicious sea salt scrub, followed by lots of lotion. My face is soft from a doing a facial masque just because. I'm in my comfy striped shorts and favorite lacy cami. Some new music is playing on my Itunes and I'm waiting for the chicken & bacon ranch sub my dad is bringing me for dinner.
And I'm sitting here wondering how it's possible to have so many different thoughts, feelings, emotions, pain, joy, hurt, sorrow, confusion, peace, and passion all at the same time. In on single day. An ordinary Thursday in June after a week in the hospital. I am so completely human and have to remind myself to give my mind, body, & heart a bit of slack. It's been one hell of a week. A week that showed me just how very fragile life and health are. A week that showed me just how precious my family and friends are. A week that made me eternally grateful to God for doctors, nurses, pain meds, and hospitals. A week that saw more tears, frustration, and sickening pain than I care to recall. A week that makes me weep just typing about it.
I don't know what to do with these feelings. There are the ones positively overwhelming me with humble gratefulness for ALL of God's goodness the past week. And months. And years. But then there's this completely exhausted part of me that is screaming to just give up and say I'm DONE. I'm DONE with these meds. I'm DONE fighting. I'm SICK of the side effects...the puffiness, weight gain, body aches all over, hair loss, risk of cancer and other serious possibilities. I'm so TIRED of crying. I HATE always asking for prayer. I DETEST having to find people to selflessly cover for me with my job. And it is incredibly unsettling to not know from one day to the next if I'll be at home or in the hospital.
And then all I have to do is recall the dozens and dozens if not hundreds of people praying for me...and all the texts, phone calls, Facebook messages, emails, etc....and look at the cards, flowers, balloons, earrings, checks, food, books, TV shows, etc., etc., etc. to be completely overwhelmed with how BLESSED my life is. Good gracious, I didn't know a girl could be so enveloped in love and care. And then there is my God, my faithful, faithful, faithful, loving, merciful, kind God. My God who puts up with my frustration, anger, and hurt. My tears, my anguish, my depression. My cold shoulder when I'm extra wounded. This God of mine just blows my mind. When I think of Him and an eternity with Him, all else pales in comparison. I just want to tell Him to hurry up, that's all.
Sharing these words is very uncomfortable for me. But I know there are other people going through similar and much worse trials and they've asked me to keep writing and to keep it honest. This is nothing if not honest. It's scary honest from my fingertips here. And yet there's so much left out, so much that just can't be posted publicly. Things between the lines that can't be written. My prayer is that those facing similar feelings will know that you are not alone. And know that I'm thinking of you, praying for you, and am right beside you in my heart. A lot of your testimonies, faith, and perseverance are what inspire me to keep going on this journey.