Faith and Fear

Yesterday I had an appointment with my specialist down in Madison.  It was a routine follow-up visit like I've had several times before.  There wasn't that much unusual or different or bad about it.  That is, until I asked the question, "What do things look like long-term?"

I didn't really know what I was in for when I asked that and part of me wishes I wouldn't have.

Up to that point during the appointment, I was feeling encouraged.  After a horribly rough year, things are looking up, I'm feeling better, I'm able to be physically active again, and I'm not doubling over in pain multiple times a day. These are all huge things!  Things I praise God for!

But apparently, medically speaking, and based on my extra bad case of Crohn's, the worst is probably not behind me.  She gave me a picture of the future may easily hold and it is not pretty.  Surgeries, perforations, long-term effects of the awful medications, increased chance of cancer, etc.  It's all rather daunting.

Throughout the rest of the afternoon and evening, I was fine.  Shopping at Maurice's, out for Mexican, and good conversation with my mom, ice cream, TV show, and laughter with a couple girlfriends.  

But by the time I collapsed in bed at midnight, I was completely exhausted.  

And once it was just me, my pillow, and God, the tears and the fears came in a rush.  

Fear and faith had a huge collision right there on my tear-stained pillow.

I was passionately telling my God that I trust Him, that I know He has this, that He has a plan, that it is a good plan.  (Jeremiah 29:11)

At the same time, the fear of what the future could hold, was very strong.  And yet, as I told God last night, I only need to take a day at a time, holding my Savior's hand, and not worry about tomorrow. (Matthew 6:34)

I know He could heal me if He chose to. I know that! But I also know that may not be His will.  Trust me, I know that too!  Either way, He'll give me the strength and grace for each and every day.

This song talks about the waves of life. Some of them are bigger than others.  Some come crashing over me and completely wipe me off my feet.  During my recent vacation on the east coast, we went out into the huge, crashing waves of the ocean.  It was fun, thrilling, and crazy.  Sometimes they would literally take our feet right out from under us.  But the majority of the time, we'd grab the hands of the little ones and make a line and withstand them together. If one of us fell, another would give a hand to pick us back up.  That is so how this Christian walk works.  God uses His people to help His people, to lift up and hold one another during the waves and storms of life.  He's done that for me so many times this year.  I am so thankful.

"A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

John 13:34-35