Sunday, January 20, 2013

Behind the Picture

Note: This should really say December 31, 2012 as that is when the majority of it was written.

Lately as I look through the many recent pictures on my iPhone, Facebook, and Instagram, I've been struck by how crazy I am (not that that's anything new!). Another thing that really stands out to me, is how happy I look. Because my life is not happy right now. I'm fighting anxiety, stress, sleeplessness, fear, etc. like I haven't fought in a long time. (And honestly, after the year I've had, that's saying something. Just being real here.)

When I look at these photos, I can't help but think about everything "behind" the pictures.  The things very few people know about and even fewer see firsthand.

Being crazy is one way I deal with the trials of life. There are SO many moments where I either have to laugh or cry (and trust me: I do PLENTY of crying too!).  

Looking at all these pictures makes me smile. I can't help it. These are the moments that keep me sane, that keep me going, that keep me from giving up.

And yet there are times that I wish I knew how to give a more honest view of my life. When I share my random craziness with people, I'm sometimes tempted to take it down because it somehow feels like a lie.

I know it's not a lie, it's just not the whole picture. These fun images are just moments captured in the midst of hours, days, and weeks of daily struggling to put one foot in front of the other.

They are the moments of laughter, the precious gifts from my Father, that brighten up this journey of life and lighten the heavy loads.

In a way, it would be just as much of a lie to not share them. They are just as much a part of who I am as the pain, trials, and hurt.

At the end of each day, I'm just thankful my life is in God's hands and He alone knows what is best for me. I can't imagine having to decide what mixture of happy craziness and painful growth was best. There are times I feel like telling Him that He's a little heavy on the painful. But I know each bit of pain has a purpose.

And I am SO thankful that the crazy fun of these pictures is as real as the pain behind the scenes of them. God knows we need laughter and humor and a "merry heart". 

A merry heart does good, like a medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones. (Prov. 17:22)

Another very real picture: a tear-stained page in my Bible and notepad
 covered in verses I scribbled from memory on an extra hard day.

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