As I approach the one week mark of this hospitalization, my emotions and thoughts are a crumbled mess of pain, hurt, frustration, and exhaustion. Tears are constantly waiting to flood down my cheeks and I'm just thankful that I have some pretty strong gates holding them back so I don't drown. Yes, I know tears are healthy and can bring relief....but these go beyond that.
I've been thinking about this life God has planned out for me, this path He has me on that I never would've chosen. The past ten years of my life have been about CHOOSING to find happiness, while my life around me is full of pain and hurt. There hasn't been a "happy season" in my life since I was little girl. There have been happy moments, happy days, even a happy week or two, but never a happy season. God has taught me to FIND happiness, to MAKE happiness, to SEARCH for happiness through all the physical and emotional pain of the past decade.
He's shown me that He's here on the darkest days. The deepest hurts don't change who He is. The physical pain doesn't change His care for me. His mercies and faithfulness are new every day that I live. And He's shown me that He gave me my crazy, spunky, feisty, independent personality partially BECAUSE of the paths He knew/knows were/are ahead of me. I'm not sure how anyone can "get" me because I can't even "get" or keep up with myself. I'm such a crazy mix of a person and my daily life is such a mix of crazy laughter and crushing tears.
In closing I just have to say this: I'm so thankful my life is built on the solid Rock of my God and not on the shifting, hopeless sands of this world. It is ONLY because my God doesn't change that I can keep going and maintain joy and peace and be the crazy girl He created me to be. He's so incredibly awesome. He's my strength and identity. He's next to my side when I'm not alright and He heals the broken in me. Praise You, Jesus.