So many blog posts swirl through my head over the course of a week or two. I really should try to type more of them out. June is already half over and I haven't blogged once (besides in my head; but we can see what good they do when I just leave them up there). And of course I would pick the one night that I'm having trouble putting anything into words and would rather crumple up and cry. Hopefully writing is more therapeutic and profitable.
The Scripture verse, "Man plans his way but the Lord directs his steps" has been going through my head a lot the past couple weeks. (See Proverbs 16:9) It applies to just about everything He's sent me week over the course of the past fourteen days. Now that I stop and think about it, it applies to my whole life for the past several years. In the last two weeks, God has changed the schedule of my IV treatments by allowing me to contract a respiratory virus and fevers. It is dangerous to have an IV infusion when already sick so we've been waiting until I get better. I've been doing a ton to kick this virus' butt but instead it's kicking mine. Even with tons of vitamins, herbs, water, and a round of antibiotics, it's getting worse, not better. This is a huge concern with my already lowered immune system from the meds that I'm on. Fevers need to be monitored very closely. One doctor wants to put me on more antibiotics, another doctor thinks that's too risky because the antibiotics could cause a serious infection in my gut. It's seriously a lose-lose situation, apart from my GOD.
Speaking the truth to myself in my own heart, is a 24/7 battle. Discouragement and fear are constant enemies. Continually, I need to remind myself that I have a God bigger than anything. Bigger than my very severe Crohn's, bigger than a cold settling into my chest, bigger than these fevers that won't go away, bigger than the two huge decisions I need to make, that are completely unrelated to my health. (Although if I'm honest, no decision I make is completely unrelated to my health, as it affects everything.) My God overcomes anything and everything, no matter how it looks from my teeny tiny view here on earth. And through faith in Him, I can overcome anything and everything He allows in my life. "For whoever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world--our faith." (1 John 5:4) As I type these words, "What Faith Can Do" started playing in my Itunes playlist. It's making me all teary...
"Hope that doesn't ever end." THIS is my daily, hourly challenge. When life is really hard, continually living in HOPE is a challenge. Faith, hope, and love are put together in 1 Corinthians 13 and I am continually challenged to have each one of them. The only way is through Jesus. I am so stinking human it's ridiculous. Only when I take time to seek His face and study His Word and beg His Spirit to FILL me can I have even the slightest ounce of faith, hope, or love. "I am the Vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing." (John 15:5)
As I type, there is a constant war going on in my heart and mind. The more I feel my chest tighten (literally by the minutes), the more I am tempted to have a complete breakdown and full fledged freak out. I am madly trying to speak the truth to myself and trust the One who knows the end from the beginning--of the world and of my health! That seriously blows my mind. He is so big and so deeply personal at the same time! "Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of you head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." (Luke 12:6-7) "How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with You." (Psalm 139:17-18 and the sixteen verses before those ones are incredible as well!)
And as I type these words, "You Are for Me" came on my Itunes...needed words when it doesn't feel like He is for me.
It's now almost 11:00pm and I've had multiple "interruptions"...just life, really. Phone calls, Facebook messages, conversations with family members, etc. So I'll have to abruptly close my (written) thoughts for now. As I try to settle down for the night (facing another enemy in the name of "sickness-induced-insomnia" (very unofficial name of whatever I have going on at night), I pray God keeps my mind on the truth and my hope in Christ alone. And I'm praying that same thing for many that I love who are also going through some deep valleys. Our God is in control and His good purposes never change.