Tonight my heart is empty.
Actually, I'm pretty sure it's craving Someone.
I listened to the song above. The title, "One Desire" convicts me before I even click play.
While I listened, I read the first part of Romans 8. Love that passage; it is full of comfort but also very convicting.
Lately my heart is divided. I think I need God and such-and-such to be happy.
God and a good job.
God and financial stability.
God and cute clothes.
God and a healthier body.
God and that shiny nail polish.
God and a place of my own.
I desire temporal things because I think they will make me happy.
Is this a conscious desire? Not always. In fact, it didn't fully hit me until today. Having lots of down time while waiting for my body to recover gives me lots of time to think and reflect.
(And time to make stupid purchases online. Can I blame the Vicodin for clouding my judgment?)
This restlessness, this emptiness, it can't be filled by a move. It can't be filled by achieving my health and fitness goals. It can't be filled by "figuring out" all the hard issues in my life. It can't be filled by trying to be the best Christian I know how to be.
It can only be filled by the very presence of Christ.
It can only be filled by allowing His love to live in my heart.
It can only be filled by accepting His amazing grace and His mercies that are new every morning.
He gives the Body of Christ to help nurture and grow that relationship with Him; to support me when life is tough. Only Jesus can make the hole in my heart whole. But He never expects me to walk this life solo without fellow Jesus-followers.
And I am so thankful for that.
Tonight as I lay in a bed that is not my own, as I hold an ice pack to my swollen post-surgery jaw, as my future is so uncertain and important relationships are rocky, my heart cry is this: Jesus, You are my desire. Only You can satisfy. You hold my future in Your hands and Your plans are good. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)
And that is enough for tonight. Tomorrow will take care of itself.