Sometimes I think God puts us through hard things just to show us His love. Okay, I don't just "sometimes think" it...I firmly believe it with all my heart. I've been overwhelmed by His love through my family and friends the past couple days. To those who prayed, called, texted, visited, facebooked, bought me teddy bears & Scripture verse plaques - thank you.
I got home from the hospital about half an hour ago. I have to say I miss my detached body part on wheels dripping into my hand, aka, my IV. Not really. It's just weird to not be pulling it around with me. More on the IV in a minute.
Me with my detached body part on wheels and my companion Mac
(And in a super cool "dress" - you have no idea the guts it took for me to make this picture public.)
Many of you have asked for more details of what's going on and how I'm doing. Those are two very hard questions to answer because I don't have many answers yet. But here's some of what I know. It's some pretty darn honest writing, just to warn you.
Due to my Crohn's disease, my body isn't absorbing nutrients and fluids. This is a struggle with Crohn's, I just didn't know mine was so bad. I've also been bleeding internally more than usual. Thus, I was very dehydrated, which was causing other problems. Also, my heart has been racing since Monday afternoon and it was really starting to concern me. It also really concerned my doctor. If you want to get into the doctor's office fast with no appointment? Mention your heart is racing. It works wonders. They'll make time for you ASAP. They'll also call to make sure you're still alive if you don't show up as soon as they expected. Just for anyone who may be wondering.
Okay, anyway. A little more back story. I've been very sick for about three months, steadily getting worse. I have no idea why. I haven't changed my supplements or diet or anything. So this "crisis" was not entirely out of the blue. But I wasn't prepared for it, largely because two of my greatest goals for my battle with Crohn's were these: no hospitalizations, and no steroids. That all went out the window within two minutes of my doctor laying his eyes on me and listening to my heart. I didn't realize just how awful I looked until he pointed it out. (Picture pale skin, huge dark circles under eyes, and cracked lips. Attractive, yes? I wanted to say, "you should see me with OUT makeup on!" But I didn't.)
Back to yesterday. I was admitted to the hospital for an IV, steroids, blood tests, x-rays, and monitoring. Thankfully it was only two small doses of a steroid, one yesterday and one today. I still wanted to cry when they shot it into the IV though. It felt like I had lost. God reminded me this is HIS battle (not mine) and this is part of HIS plan (even though it's not part of mine). Still learning to trust Him on that one.
The biggest reason for the hospital stay, was to pump IV bags full of fluids into my system to replenish my dehydrated body. I have to say that amidst all the pain and weirdness I'm still feeling, being hydrated definitely takes some of the awfulness out of the picture! Praise God.
Another monkey wrench thrown into all of this is breathing problems. My dr. thinks I have asthma on top of all of this. He said it's not directly related to Crohn's, but it indirectly is, because my body is so weakened from the Crohn's that it's making anything and everything weaker. (At least that's how it feels.) He gave me an inhaler and I'm trying to not freak out when I can't breathe deeply or when I'm gasping for air from walking from my bed to the bathroom. (Emphasis on trying.)
So there's a large part of what's been going on. Believe it or not, I've saved you from quite a few "fun" details. In closing I'll try to answer the most frequent questions: what now, how long until recovery, will I keep getting worse, when will I be better, what's the plan.
Here's the answer: I. Don't. Know. Here's my other answer: God. Does. He's got it all figured out. It may mean loads more of pain and suffering. It may mean some respite from the misery. Either way, He's got my back (or my gut - whatever :)). He amazes me continually. I spent my hospital stay laughing and joking with my visitors, my mom, my nurse, my facebook friends, my cousin on the phone, everyone. It still blows my mind. God did that. Not me. I was feeling terrible. And I'll be honest: there were probably at least two dozen times I almost totally broke down in tears. And I'm sure those tears will flow at some point (soon). I'm human and I'm female, so I'm not gonna lie. But I'm just amazed by God's grace and love and joy.
And here's my second answer: I'm going to a gastroenterologist to figure out where to go from here. I'd be so blessed to have that appointment covered in prayer. Wisdom and answers are both desperately needed. I'm in so much pain it makes it hard to always think clearly. Thank you so much. (I don't know exactly when it will be because we're canceling my appointment with the doctor it was made with after reading more about him.) I'm also taking a five day dosage of steroids to try and calm things down in there. Tough decision but I hope it's the best (insert lots of second thoughts and questions here).
To sum this up, I just want to say this: Jesus is the same, yesterday, today, and forever and His love just BLOWS me away. Also, 2 Corinthians 12:9 keeps on becoming dearer and closer to me continually. God is good.