It's 2:00 in the morning and I can't sleep due to the pain. I've been laying here crying my eyes out pleading with God to pick me up and get me through the night. I have never been so broken in my life.
There haven't been any fireworks from heaven. No verbal words of comfort. Not a hint of explanation. But the following song came to my mind and I've been playing it over and over...a small hint of peace is finally settling over this room.
The pain is still tremendous. The loneliness of a dark hospital room is somewhat suffocating. As a "tough" woman, I am not used to these kinds of feelings of helplessness. Being blessed with an incredibly high pain tolerance has been a huge part of my survival for the past six years. Reaching that pain level limit has been one of the hardest things for me. God is stripping everything away to show me just how much I need Him. The devil knows to attack when I'm at my weakest.
During this hospital stay God is teaching me is just how much prayer those who are hospitalized frequently and with worse conditions are in need of. Hospitals are not fun, folks. Being constantly poked, pricked, and shot up begins to hurt like hell. The constantly changing stream of nurses can be overwhelming. The need to stay strong in front of visitors can result in anxiety attacks the minute they leave.
Here, in this brokenness and pain, God promises I will be held. He has a shadow I can hide in. Learning just how to do that is a process. Psalm 36:7 says, "How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust in the shadow of Your wings." Honestly, I don't feel His lovingkindness right now. Does that make it any less real? No. Does it stretch my faith? Yes.
Psalm 18:36 holds the promise of being held. "You have also given me the shield of Your salvation; Your right hand has held me up, Your gentleness has made me great." His hand will hold me up no matter what happens with my health situation; no matter what happens in the difficult relationships I'm facing; no matter if I leave this hospital tomorrow or a long time after tomorrow; no matter if they can find a way to get this pain under control or not.
The journey of faith is a rough one. Oftentimes things don't make sense. On this painful night, I'm trying to trust God with the fact that one day it will all make sense; there is a purpose in all of this.
To those facing incredibly challenging health situations in your own life or the life of a loved one, my heart goes out to you. I'm praying for you during this sleepless night.