Friday, February 3, 2012

I'm Not Alright

Going to bed and waking up in pain is very draining.  Waking up in worse pain than I went to bed with is very discouraging.  It makes me want to curl back up in bed and not move for weeks.  But life goes on and I have to get up...

This morning I have another test to try and see some of what they couldn't get to with the previous tests because they didn't go well.   I'm trying not to stress about it.  But it's enough to just make me cry right now.  

Last night I started taking Prednisone.  Anyone who knows me well, knows how HARD this is for me.  I have tried SO many things (diets, supplements, etc.) to avoid the steroids.  I feel defeated.  But I have the complete support of my close family and friends.  It means the world to me and has been such confirmation that this is the right step to take right now.  No matter how much I hate it and this isn't my plan, I know it's God's plan for this moment.  But darn, I hate it.

When I woke up this morning the above song by Sanctus Real just started going through my head; mostly the line "I'm not alright, I'm broken inside."  I am completely broken right now: physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  How amazing to have a Savior who meets me in my brokenness; Who loves me at my weakest; Who gives His strength when mine ran out months ago.  It's during these times of complete brokenness and weariness that God does amazing works.  I'm a stubborn woman so it takes awhile sometimes for me to let Him do His work in me.  But then He'll show His love in such an awesome way and a little more of my stubbornness is chipped away.  Seriously, I can't believe the little (and big) ways He has shown up during the past few years.

I have to shower and run out the door for the test; can't eat or drink anything until it's over so hopefully it's done by early afternoon.  I read these verses this morning so I'll close with those.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:6-7


  1. You are such a strong woman. I love you and am beyond proud to call you friend, cousin and Sistah! In our darkest moments, He comes to rescue us. God is going to use you in amazing ways, I just know it!